Many clients feel apprehensive about the family mediation process. In this blog post I'll outline in more detail what you can expect to happen during your mediation, both to help you prepare for the mediation but also to help you make informed choices about the options you have to help make the process as easy and comfortable as possible.
1. Pre-mediation
The first thing you can expect to happen is a pre-mediation meeting with your mediator. This can happen either on the phone, on zoom or in person. This meeting is just between you and your mediator, the other party will not be involved. During this meeting you will be able to talk about your situation and tell your side of the conflict. Your mediator will talk you through the process and discuss what options will work best for you and your family. You will also have an opportunity to ask any questions you might have. Sometimes you will have already completed an intake assessment with the mediation provider in which case your mediator will have received the notes from that conversation, so you won't have to go over everything in detail again. However, sometimes there might be new developments that you wish to share. Expect this meeting to take about 45min - 1 hour and you are free to bring a support person if you wish.
2. Mediation: Location
For your mediation meeting, you can choose whether you would like to meet in person or via zoom meeting. In person meetings are held at designated locations during business hours. You can expect a relatively informal meeting space with couches or armchairs - sometimes they may be around the table in more of a meeting room style setting. For zoom meetings you can join from the comfort of your own home on any device - laptop, tablet or cell phone. You will need a stable internet connection and your device should have working speakers, microphone (or headphones with both) and camera. If you are unsure if you have the technology, talk to your mediator about setting up a test meeting ahead of time to help make sure you are familiar with your device.
3. Mediation style - face to face or shuttle
Whether you wish to meet in person, or online - you always have the option of meeting with the other party face to face or 'shuttle style'. A shuttle mediation happens when both parties are in separate rooms (or zoom rooms) with the mediator going in between the two parties. In a shuttle mediation, you will not see or hear the other party directly, but only via the mediator. Naturally there are some upsides and downsides to each of these mediation styles and you can speak to your mediator about what will work best for you and which of these upsides or downsides may apply in your case. In all cases, you can expect the shuttle mediation to take longer and involve more wait times while the mediator relays what you said to the other party and vice versa.
4. Additional options
In addition to deciding whether you want to mediate in person or on zoom, together in a room or apart 'shuttle style', you can also discuss with your mediator whether to bring a support person, as well as any modifications you would like to make to the process that will help make you feel more comfortable. These may involve, but are not limited to, beginning the mediation with a blessing or karakia, bringing food or special drinks or any other items (even pets!) that would make you help feel supported. Remember this is YOUR conversation, so feel free to raise anything that you would like to have happen that will make you more comfortable. Also be sure to share with your mediator any other things that are important to you, such as needing to take breaks, transport, parking or child care issues so that a solution can be found. It's important that you can attend the meeting with as little additional stress factors as possible!
5. The mediation meeting
A standard mediation meeting will generally have five distinct parts, although variations are always possible, depending on the situation and circumstances.
Agenda setting
In the first part, after going over any housekeeping, your mediator will ask you what it is you wish to discuss during mediation. In this part, you can raise the list of topics you would like to include in the meeting - things like 'care arrangement', 'school holiday arrangement' 'communication' etc., often with a short statement about your position on each of these topics. One of the parties will begin, then the other. There is no consequences to going first or second - and as the second speaker you do not need to respond to what you just heard - you just state your own topics in the same way the first speaker has done. From there, your mediator will determine an agreed agenda for the meeting. If the other party has raised a topic you don't wish to discuss during the mediation, you can let the mediator know. Only topics agreed on by both parties will be spoken about on the day.
Topic conversation / information gathering
Once the agenda is set, the second part of the meeting will begin. In this part you will be sharing your position on each of the agenda items with the other party. You will also have the chance to raise any concerns or ask any questions of the other party with regard to the agenda items. Your mediator will help you break down your contributions into thoughts / ideas, feelings, observations and questions to help the conversation. You will also hear from the other party their thoughts, feelings, observations and questions. During this process, the mediator will establish what items both parties agree and disagree on and may ask deepening, reflective or clarifying questions. The mediator will also record all the areas in which there is already agreement and you won't need to revisit them during your negotiation. During this part of the meeting, no resolution is sought as such - it's all about hearing from each other and understanding what the other party is wanting and saying. It is important at this stage to remain as open as possible to hearing from the other party, to listen carefully to understand and to be curious about the reasons behind what the other party is saying. Remember, you don't have to draw any conclusions yet - you just need to talk about your thoughts and listen to the thoughts of the other person.
One on one meetings
The third part of the mediation involves a scheduled break and the mediator will meet with each of the parties separately to discuss and debrief what was just talked about while the other party has a break. Then both will swap. Again, there is no consequence as to who has a break first or second. This conversation with the mediator will remain confidential between you and the mediator and you will be able to ask any process related question, as well as share your view of the mediation so far. This is a valuable reflective space and you can freely speak about how you feel. Often the mediator will discuss with you the options for the remaining use of the meeting time at this stage which you can then consider.
Solution finding / negotiation
Once everyone is back together, the fourth part of the mediation will involve solution finding or 'negotiating'. Now that you have heard from the other party what they think, feel and would like and have also had your viewpoints heard, both parties can discuss what solutions may best meet the needs of everyone involved, particularly the children. You can think of this as a 'brainstorming' type process where any ideas can be raised. The mediator will guide you during this process. This is the part where it's important to remember that mediation is a negotiation and to remain as flexible and open to ideas as possible. Sometimes coming to agreements involves finding a solution both parents can live with, even if it is not their preference - a compromise for the sake of maintaining a functioning co-parenting relationship. Any concerns or barriers will also be discussed at this stage and solutions sought. Possible risks to the agreement can be discussed and managed.
Writing your agreement
The last stage of the mediation will involve the 'paperwork'. The mediator will revisit with you all the areas of agreement and you can formulate them into your parenting agreement. Remember this is YOUR agreement, so the mediator will merely record the words you want to use to describe the arrangement you have come to in your own language. The mediator will also record separately any areas in which you didn't reach agreement - these will be stated on the outcome form to the mediation and are the areas that you can seek a decision through the Courts on following the mediation should you choose to do so.
Depending on the length of the scheduled meeting and the length of your agenda and your progress through this, a second mediation meeting may be scheduled. This meeting will follow the same format as your first, focusing on any agenda items that still remain unresolved or haven't been discussed yet.
Any written agreement at the end of the mediation can either be printed and signed on the day or emailed and signed electronically following the meeting - your mediator will discuss this with you. Once this is done, the meeting will end and you can leave.
Hopefully this blog articles helps to feel less apprehensive about the meeting by knowing what to expect. If you have any questions, give me a call - I'm always happy to answer!
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